Learning How to Die

“All along, thought I was learning how to take, how to bend not how to break, how to laugh not how to cry, but really I’ve been learning how to die, I’ve been learning how to die.”

Were the words that ran through my mind while sitting in a Sunday morning gathering among many people. Many times in life we say to ourselves, “I’ll go next time,” or “I’ll get it done later,” thoughtlessly assuming there will be a next time. (Yes, there are certain circumstances where these are most defiantly appropriate and valid responses.) Then something happens in life to turn our world upside down, where it will never go back to normal again. A few weeks before writing this I spent some drive time listening to told sermons of one of my favorite authors and teachers and he made it a point to address that we spend all of our time at the beginning of life learning how to live it, only to spend the second half of life to learn how to die.

“Live like you’re dying,” is such an easy quote to rattle off when you’re going through hardship or you are aspiring to make more out of your life, but truly what does that look like when those are not the circumstances? When everything is going the way you’d like it to and seems all fine and dandy, do we dismiss living like it was our last day and go on our jolly way? Or do we wish it was our last day - because we feel like we are dying and do not want to live?

We don’t get a rewind button. We’re not a click away from “undo.” You’re guaranteed this current second you are now living in. That’s it. There is only one way and place that can guarantee you otherwise, but you still will not get there through or by the means of this planet.

“I’ll go today, [because there may not be a next time].”

“I’ll get it done now [because I may not be able to do it later].”

What if learning how to live simply teaches us how to die?

“I'm gonna miss you,
I'm gonna miss you,
When you're gone.”
She says, “I love you,
I'm gonna miss hearing your songs,”

And I said, “Please,
Don't talk about the end,
Don't talk about how,
Every living thing goes away.”
She said; “Friend,

All along I thought,
I was learning how to take,
How to bend, not how to break,
How to live, not how to cry,
But really, I've been learning how to die
Been learning how to die.”

Thank You, LANY

If you’re paying attention to the date of this and happen to be someone I have been in directly around this week, than you may know that I have been slightly, maybe overly, obsessing about a concert. God is the giver of life for me, who makes all things possible by His grand design, and I don’t ever want anything to rank any higher than Himself. But for whatever reason it’s like I’m in college with my dear roommate and friend Erin in our dorm room Junior year blasting LANY from my hip purple Bluetooth speaker (and maybe my inner teen girl is making an appearance once again). I’ve thought about trying to see them live before, but my impulse ticket buy for this show with Surfaces makes me feel wild. Probably because of my work schedule and evenings spent crocheting with my grandma. Of which I wouldn’t necessarily change either (insert laughy emoji).

Largely I’m being reminded how and what music has meant to me my whole life. Thanks be to God for giving us such a generous gift in music, with its ability to create endless amounts of art to bring a sense of joy into a human’s life. There is a life I’ve been given the last few weeks while delivering mail, a soundtrack I can wonder and dance to, a life I don’t always get to experience in this time of life. And it’s also the excitement of seeing band live that you’ve never seen before and simply enjoying the art they have created.

Thank you LANY, for making me excited about life, dreaming of a future that may never happen but one I can believe is possible. And for also making me take a break from my Bible prophecy updates and independent newscasts (insert more laughy emojis).

The God I've Made You

“Help me let You go,
Help me give up control,
Of the god I've made You
When my fear has contained You.”

For whatever reason, these lyrics came into my head during the current evening I’m writing in (August, 9, 2021) and of course I thought of a dear and sweet friend going through a confusing time, so of course I had to send them the song and then listen to it myself. Will Reagan probably is one of my favorite faith based songwriters. I lived on his and United Pursuit’s music while I lived in Nashville. Listening to “Let You Go” — goodness. I closed my eyes, listened to every word, every note, and I felt as if I were in my SUV driving up and down the highway on the west side of Nashville, where the road sits in the twists and turns of the valley. Driving through I-40 West at any time of day, any weather, with my worship playlist playing (or Return of the Mack, s/o to my roomie and homie Jasmine). During the summer of 2020, after being furloughed and eventually laid off, moving out of our apartment into a new house that we ended up having to move out of hardley even a month later, all the while keeping my heart at a distance from a human I very dearly loved because well, I just simply had to at the time - gave several mornings waking up in tears, gagging so much that I made myself sick because I would wake up in nerves over deciding to leave the city after waiting so long to live there. Life is a journey, whether you believe in a higher power or not, of giving up control and not letting our fears contain us. Here I am now in 2022, where I picked up this blog draft and I’m still giving up control and attempting to avoid giving into fear and before we know it, we will be doing the same thing in 2029.

What Now?

I sit here typing from my couch at 1:30am while watching a service from my favorite church in Nashville (Church of the City, I love you dearly). During the worship at the beginning I couldn’t help but just sit and listen to the music, thinking about this year from beginning to end.

What now? I sit here asking myself that. What now? In a discussion the pastors were having, they asked what do we want to leave in this last year and what do we want to bring into the New Year.

I want to leave my idolatry of career/work in 2020. My work journey did not end how I expected so far, but my mind needs to remember that all work is important and that most people don’t even get to experience some of the things that I did. If God still has a place for me in the work world that I enjoy, then He will open doors and opportunities for me in the future just like He did in the past. I want to leave and let go of the idea that my field of work defines who I am or gives me my value. My hope is not in my job but I can hope for a better future for you and me in which living can be a tad easier than it is right now.

I want to carry all the friendships I had in 2020, but even more so all the one’s I’ve made over the last four years. I love the people I have met, and even though I may be closer or further from some, I want to keep many of these people in my life. I can still do this no matter where I live, it just takes initiative and effort on my part to make sure I keep caring for my loved ones.

These changes and uncertainty still get to me, even after five months but these words bring peace and guidance as to what I should focus on right now in the present moment, “and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands.”

Someday

I’m really learning how much I like the word “someday.” Someday there will be a cure. Someday the weather will be better. Someday.

If you read this word too much, then it starts to look and sound really weird. But man, someday we will have answers. Someday we will know why certain situations did not work out, why certain people left our lives or why certain people entered them. Someday there will be some sort of answer to all of our questions in life. Sometimes what we do not know might actually be what we need. In the idea of “someday” there is so much hope. What would life be if every doubt didn’t come with any hope?

I’m so excited for my Somedays. I kinda wish I could fast forward and just look from atop at my Somedays, to help ease my mind of it’s questions and anticipations. I may not be able to see those Somedays, but at least I know they will be here. But all we have is Today.

Fortunate

“Funny the way it is, if you think about it. Somebody's going hungry and someone else is eating out.
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong.
Somebody's heart is broken and it becomes your favorite song.” - Dave Matthews Band

Every night I lie my head on a soft pillow, in a soft bed yet at the same time while I sleep so comfortably, there is most likely a child somewhere sleeping on the hard ground. I drive by many adults throughout the city who do not have homes, while I am a young adult with a functioning car and consistent income. There really isn’t much else to say about this matter. These situations kinda explain themselves. There is a sick sadness that while you may or may not experience pain, regardless someone on this planet it’s. It’s just not always you.

Loss

“Some people come into our lives then quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.” - Unknown

There are so many facets to the definition of loss. We can physically lose someone - the fact that they no longer exist beside us on this planet. We can mentally lose someone - they forget or they behave in a way we cannot identify with anymore. We can emotionally lose someone - they still exist on this earth but no longer share a companionship with us on any sort of regular basis.

If you have experienced any of this in any capacity, I am truly sorry. Know that my heart and the hearts of many others mourn with yours. Some may be able to relate so closely with the pain of your loss and others are extremely empathetic. No one will truly relate exactly to your pain but do not believe the lie that you are alone.

Remember this: You are important. Take good care of yourself so that you are able to take good care of others. We need you. We love you. Even when people are not dependable there is something or someone out there who is.

Assumptions

*Started writing this in July but still valid.

The last few months have been crazy - not a physical "doing a lot of things" busy but a "I have a lot to figure out about my life" busy. I guess you could say the last few months have been mentally "busy" and most certainly challenging. 

Assumptions. How often do we make an opinion on a certain matter and allow that to guide us in our direction of behavior in the world? Through some experiences, I am shocked to find how often we assume people by their outward appearance and small talk. We look at someone and we either make the effort to learn more about them or instead we just watch them live life. 

Assumptions are dangerous. They are neither right nor wrong yet but they lead us to believe in what we want to believe. What happened to investigation? What happened to asking questions? What happened to learning more? Why do we decide to stick primarily to our own assumptions of others and the world around us when we have no idea if those thoughts are even valid?

Catching Up

Whew. Well, I epically failed to write a brief blog each month over the summer but here’s to catching up and having a few moments of downtime.

“Whelp,” as my grandpa randomly says. Wow. I did not expect things in life to go the way they have, especially for being in my favor. I cannot believe opportunities in my life have come up that I have actually wanted. Rarely do the things we want to happen, actually happen.

A few things come to mind as I have reflected here and there.

• Do the things you hate to do the things you love. Work.

• Learn to love the things you hate because you might end up loving it anyways.

• Forgive yourself and accept where you are at. Be patient.

• Remember your actions speak louder than words.

I do not claim to be a pro at any of these but these are ideas I have thought about. We are aware that life is short but I am not sure how much we actually believe that. There are areas in my personal life where I have made some big mistakes and turned out to be a hypocrite without even realizing it. In some ways that does not make me worthy of life’s blessings. But there is something out there that still sees myself and yourself worth blessing. This idea is where we should live.

FTK!

The acronym "FTK" (For The Kids) became a regular slogan each one of us counselors would chant when one of our campers wanted to jump on the water trampoline for the third time or when the kids wanted to cover us with mud from the mud pit. We did it all For The Kids. 

I know there are many people who have served as camp counselors over the summer and I think we can all agree - it's the best freakin' "job" on the planet. The summer weather, no school, fun activities, and meeting so many new people - what more could you ask for? The camp I spent two summers at wasn't just a camp: Cotubic is known as "our Eden." A place filled with love, peace, and new beginnings for young kids and teens.

I consider this the "job" where I learned how to treat others. I learned what it meant to put the needs and priorities of others before my own. I learned what it looks like to live according to what you believe. I learned what it means to be vulnerable and honest with other people about the dark parts of our lives that people often do not want to discuss. I learned what it means to live as if we're not living on this earth.

I want to dedicate this Brief Blog to a camper of mine who fought a hard fight on this earth. We loved you then, and we love you now. Take care sweet Raynie.  

The Waiting Game

What's the next stage of life you're waiting for? Maybe to settle down or get married. Maybe to graduate high school. Maybe to move from one career to another. Maybe to use up your free time because of now you're an "empty nester." Maybe to kick your feet up and relax because you just retired.

I probably missed a bunch of other scenarios, but it seems like we're always anticipating the next stage of life. We dream about it, we await it, and normally cannot plan enough for it. So my question is, when does the waiting stop? Are we to move from each stage, just to wait for the next one?

Currently, I don't think I'm in a stage and it is DRIVING ME NUTS. My time right now is spent doing two part time jobs online (one music related, one retail-ish related) and in between there being with family and friends.

Don't know about you, but I'm tired of playing the waiting game. I'm tired of waiting for the world's definition of the next "stage" of life to happen. I'm tired of expectations that do not get fulfilled according to my own timeline (because the world does not work on our time). Today's enough.  I don't need anymore than that.

"This day let it be known. That You Lord are God of the present tense." - Jon Foreman

Feelings of Home

After a fun galentines evening, I decided to retreat back to my room and fix some firemen boot listings on Ebay (if we're friends on Snapchat or Instagram, you know what I'm referring to). I looked through a couple of Valentine's Day playlists on Spotify and eventually decided on the styling's of Mr. Mayer.

As soon as I hit the play button on "Emoji of a Wave" my warm fuzzy feelings of a summer spent working and interning in Nashville came back to life. My mind rewinded to those late evenings sitting in my room on my computer listening to Mayer as I dreamed of going to his concert in August (which did happen for me at NO COST thanks to some amazing friends)!

Even though the warm fuzzy feelings were short lived and not always realistic (I only lived on my own in Nashville for two full months and by the grace of a huge Creator who I totally believe exists was fine the whole summer and made it), my time down there was comfortable and blissful. Home in some aspects gives you the freedom to feel this way. Unfortunately myself and many other individuals in this world have had some of life's worst scenarios become our reality. There is a constant internal fight, pushing and pulling between the comfort we once associated with "home" versus the comfort that we wish to know and search for.

Thank you Nashville for allowing many people like myself to migrate to your heart, even though there's kinda not room for us.